How conversations can change the world

Restorative dialogues focus on accountability and healing

Never judge a person by a police report.

I’ve learned that a few times, and I was reminded when I had a conversation with Ben last month.

2025 started off on a rough note for Ben, to say the least.

According to the police report, as the new year dawned, Ben (not his real name) had repeatedly texted his former mother-in-law alarming messages, including to “sleep with one eye open.” Come kill me, he said. He had sent disturbing messages before, the victim reported. He was arrested, taken to jail, and charged with third-degree harassment.

He pleaded guilty, and as part of his sentence, he was ordered to participate in a restorative dialogue. That’s how Ben and I met.

I was apprehensive. What kind of person sends messages like that to an elderly woman? But I’ve done a few of these dialogues, and I never know what to expect. I’ve learned to set aside my preconceived notions, no matter the charge.

Counting crime’s costs

These dialogues aim to promote accountability, help repair the harm done to crime victims and communities, and give offenders a second chance.

It’s part of what’s known as restorative justice. Simply put, the approach focuses on righting a wrong.

“Rather than obsessing about whether offenders get what they deserve, restorative justice focuses on repairing the harm of crime and engaging individuals and community members in the process,” writes Howard Zehr, an author known as the “grandfather of restorative justice.”

The practice can transform individuals and society, said Gordon Miller, a former Division of Criminal Investigation official who has served as a mediator since 2003. “Restorative justice has changed my life.”

For years, Miller and other mediators have facilitated Victim-Offender Dialogues, a tried-and-true method of restorative justice. As the name implies, the dialogues allow victims to confront the person who harmed them, ask them questions, and tell them how the offense affected them. Guided by a trained facilitator, the conversations can be powerful and transformative. Studies have shown that participants who have experienced VODs report more satisfaction in the criminal justice system than those who haven’t.

However, the victim often chooses not to meet with the offender. Or some cases don’t have an identifiable victim.

Polk County Attorney Kimberly Graham believed an offender would still benefit from having a dialogue. Fred Van Liew, a former bureau chief in the Polk County Attorney’s Office and restorative justice expert, suggested we hold the dialogues with a surrogate from the community, instead of the victim.

The office recruited volunteers and launched “Community-Represented Dialogues,” or CRDs, in late October 2023.

Ann Rezarch has years of experience facilitating Victim-Offender Dialogues, and when she heard about the plan to do victimless dialogues, she thought the idea was crazy.

“There’s a magic that happens between a victim and an offender,” she noted. “But it didn’t take long to realize that in a CRD, we can talk to the offender at a level you can’t in a VOD,” because of the latter’s focus on the victim.

That includes asking questions such as:

• “How do you think the criminal act affected the victims, the community, or yourself?”

• “How did you contribute to the situation?”

• “What do you think you need to do to make things right?”

• “What are you doing to better yourself and prevent this from happening again?"

“It’s amazing how they reveal themselves” if you ask the right questions and listen, said Vonciel Stewart-Kai, a volunteer community representative.

Denny Coon, a retired minister and educator, is a prolific community representative; he volunteered to 140 dialogues in 2024. He believes the conversations can have lasting effects.

“I believe we have a freer society if people aren’t walking around with shame, guilt, and anger because of their interaction with the justice system,” Coon said.

Early results show the program having an impact: Of the 590 dialogues held from October 2023 to October 2024, just 42 defendants have had a new charge, or 7.1%. About 2.2% had more than one new charge.¹

Ready to talk

When Ben joined the Zoom call with Gordon Miller and me, we were greeted with an affable smile. It was a big contrast to his menacing jail mugshot.

Ben was friendly and eager to talk about what happened. We responded that we wanted to get to know him first. He talked about what was most important in his life, his young son.

The details of our conversation are confidential, but let’s just say that he had been deeply hurt and angered by the actions of his former wife and a friend. Unable to reach the ex-wife, he resorted to sending texts to her mother.

I asked him to think about how the woman must have felt to get those messages. He acknowledged that it must have been frightening. We talked about what his actions cost him: He lost his job, he owed money to an attorney, and he worried about his relationships with his son.

Our focus, however, was on moving forward. I shared about times I had lost my temper and done things I regret, and how we can prevent things from spiraling out of control. We talked about the benefits of therapy, or even finding a friend in whom to confide. And we talked about the new job he was starting the next day.

Gordon emphasized to Ben that he should not let this criminal conviction define him. He repeated a phrase that has become a sort of mantra in these sessions:

“We’re all more than the worst thing that we’ve ever done.”

That’s another way of saying: You are more than a police report, a case number, or a criminal charge.

TO VOLUNTEER

Interested in serving as a community representative? To learn more about participating in Community-Represented Dialogues, go to Wanted: Justice Seekers - Polk County Iowa or email ctyatty@polkcountyiowa.gov

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1. So how does this compare to other programs? It’s too early to tell, but some perspective: According to a 2020 research brief conducted by the Justice Research and Statistics Association, in a sample size of 619 offenders who participated in victim-offender dialogues, researchers found that participants had a recidivism rate of 19% after one year. Other studies have shown small reductions in recidivism but found other benefits, including a greater sense of satisfaction and fairness for participants. And it’s easy to argue that RJ programs create a better return on investment than traditional forms of justice. For example, the recidivism rate for Iowa’s prison system is 36%.